Drawing on cutting edge psychological research, this page gives you the techniques you need to understand and deal with stress head on.
Identify the causes of stress in your life and reframe unhelpful patterns of thought into powerful psychological solutions that you can apply to your everyday life.
INTRODUCTION
Age, race, gender, money – nothing can shield us from having to face stressful situations that might feel difficult, even impossible to overcome. Nor should they, because stress is an essential part of life. Any experience or situation that makes you feel threatened or overwhelmed is a “stressor”. Good stress helps you to focus on your goals and complete important tasks. Without stress we would fail to achieve our greatest accomplishments because the ones we value most are usually stressful and require a great deal of effort. Bad stress isn’t productive and can halt your advancement and dampen your spirits. This page will help you master life’s stressors, good or bad, with greater ease – not by eliminating stress, but by building on your strengths and encouraging the development of new coping skills.
Much of what will be provided here is to be based on a careful review of the most recent and important scientific research, translated to be relevant and helpful for anyone who wants to feel better able to manage their stress. When you’re trying to overcome life’s challenges, particularly the more stressful or unpleasant ones, understanding how your body and your brain react, and how you can influence that reaction, can help you to feel a greater sense of control.
We all have our own ways of dealing with stress, but there are some simple yet powerful, proven coping techniques – and by understanding their pros and cons, we can choose the strategy that’s best suited for us. How you manage stress must work for you, so that you can develop a realistic, practical plan that fits your own needs.
More importantly, this presentation is about building resilience – the ability to bounce back after a very stressful period. If you think of resilience as being your “emotional muscles”, you might feel that those are a little weak right now. The stress management tools you will learn about here will help you to build those muscles by using your existing strengths and further develop them to become a more powerful resource, so in future when stress happens – and it will – you’ll be able to recover rapidly and without lasting harm. Some people are naturally more resilient than others, but these are skills that anyone can learn throughout life.
This page is not about living a stress-free life; it’s about living a happier life because you are better equipped to manage your stress.
. Other work on this site which may interest you: Mindfulness
[1] Stress in Perspective
What is stress? What it is, and what it isn’t
STRESS feels uncomfortable, but not every uncomfortable feeling is stress – and being confused about what you feel is stressful. Gaining some clarity in understanding our own emotions is a good place to start.
People use the word “stress” interchangeably with other terms such as worry, anxiety and fear, but stress is, at its heart, our conviction that we won’t be able to cope with the challenges we’re facing.
It’s always easier to deal with difficult emotions if we understand them better. Stress can provoke fear, anxiety, and worry but each represents a different emotional reaction. By appreciating the differences and the relationships between these emotions, we can put our problems in perspective.
Is worry the same as stress?
Expressed simply, worry is an attempt to avoid unpleasant consequences by adopting repetitive thought patterns – for example, “What if” questions such as “What if I fall sick? What if I lose my job?” – which we describe with words such as “fretting” and “brooding”. We don’t need or want those thoughts to pop into our minds over and over, but it can be difficult to stop them.
It might feel like worrying or “thinking about” our problems are helpful, but that is not the same as “thinking through” our problems – in other words, confronting a situation and trying to address it. By actively problem-solving, we gain a greater sense of control.
Hans Selye, a renowned physician, and father of stress research, [1907–1982], once remarked that “It’s not stress that kills us, [but] it is our reaction to it.”
Fear and anxiety
Where worry is a mental habit, fear is an instinctive reaction – usually in the face of a perceived threat. Fear is a survival trait, and there are good evolutionary reasons why we’re capable of feeling it. Our reactions to fear are grouped into four categories:
. Escape (flight) or avoidance (preflight). We run away from a threat if we can.
. Aggressive defence (the “fight” part of “fight or flight”). If we can’t escape or we don’t stand a good chance of victory, we may attack.
. Freezing/immobility. A valuable reaction if we’re trying to hide, or if we don’t want to antagonise someone who is unpredictable.
. Submission/appeasement. When the threat comes from within our own “herd”, the best option is sometimes to suppress our anger to avoid being rejected.
If fear is a normal reaction to a scary event, what is anxiety? When fear becomes excessive or unwarranted and starts to affect our quality of life and prevents us from doing what we need or want to do, it is best described as anxiety. Stress management techniques help in giving us more confidence and security, which in turn will help in reducing anxiety levels.
Learning from our feelings
A major factor in dealing with stress and pressure is in building our stress resilience through growing our understanding of how stress can impact on our lives. Recognising that stress can provoke worry and heighten anxiety can be empowering. Facing our fears head-on makes them less threatening and helps make us stronger and more resilient.
Telling our feelings apart
If we’re feeling nervous or tense, are we necessarily experiencing stress? It’s helpful to consider four different categories so we can be clear how we feel – and hence what we need to do to feel better.
FEAR: Our untaught instinctive reaction to a known threat.
WORRY: Repetitive and recurring thoughts – sometimes to avoid even more uncomfortable feelings.
ANXIETY: Unwarranted or excessive fear, especially about vague or unknown things.
STRESS: The perceived inability to meet life’s demands.
Making friends with fear
We shouldn’t fear fear, as it can be a good motivator to make positive changes. Anxiety and worry, though, can fuel stress. As will be shown, we can reduce our stress by managing our anxiety and worries better. The well-known adage “The more courage we have the less the fear will be” is apt in almost any situation that is driven by fear. It is the perfect antidote in combatting any fear we may have. Fear can prompt constructive behaviour change, reducing anxiety and worry.
Naturally stressed
It’s a popular belief that stress is bad, to be avoided at all costs. In fact, though, stress is a normal part of being alive – and the less we fear it, the more we can lead a happy and healthy existence.
A necessary part of life
There is no question, that many of us could do with more peace of mind, but stress is a natural part of being human. It motivates us, provokes change, and encourages learning. Sometimes it’s healthy to embrace what stress has to offer.
How dangerous is stress?
There are many studies showing that stress is bad for the body. High stress levels are found to increase the risk of cardiovascular disease, diabetes, cancer, and high blood pressure. The mere thought of that is enough to make anyone nervous.
Stanford psychologist Kelly McGonigal argues that our problem isn’t exactly stress itself, but a “toxic relationship to stress”. If we see stress as an enemy against which we are helpless, then science does show that we suffer ill effects. A 2006 American study found that a stressed attitude to our emotions – feeling we’ll be harmed by, or unable to cope with them – makes us more vulnerable to panic attacks and anxiety disorders. If we get stressed about being stressed, that’s when we suffer the worst effects.
A healthier approach
We can certainly change aspects of our lives to make them less stressful. We can also view stress as what McGonigal calls “a signal of meaning”. We don’t stress out about things that don’t matter to us; stress is a sign there’s something going on that we care about.
When we’re facing a situation that has consequences that matter to us, we may experience some natural fear at the thought of things going wrong. This feeling of fear is what provokes us to react to the situation, and it might mean we need to change our approach or create a new strategy to cope. Facing these uncomfortable feelings is healthy and helps us adapt to the changing circumstances that are a normal part of life. Rather than avoiding the stress, we can make good use of it.
Stress is, fundamentally, an adaptive response to high-pressure situations. By “adaptive”, scientists mean a process that helps us adapt to a situation and create a positive outcome. We adapt faster and better by learning not to be overwhelmed. We can face stress and take back our sense of control by learning and adopting new strategies over time. Tactics can be used, for instance, to ride your stress like a wave, rather than sinking under it.
In 2017, the American Psychological Association’s annual “Stress in America” survey reported that…
20%… around 1 in 5 Americans experience a chronic level of stress (i.e. long-term).
36%… and around 1 in 3 say reducing their stress is a priority.
Can stress be good for us?
If believing stress is bad for us is a self-fulfilling prophecy, then how can we convince ourselves to believe the opposite? Well, there’s a lot of good science suggesting that some stress can be healthy.
A boost to the system
According to American psychologist, Kelly McGonigal, our beliefs about stress have as much to do with its impact on our health as the stress itself. It’s good for both body and mind if we understand how a moderate level of stress can be a beneficial experience.
Staying sharp
A key concept is “neuroplasticity”. Our brains are malleable and rewire themselves in response to new experiences. At the University of California, Berkeley, stress researchers Daniela Kaufer and Elizabeth Kirby point out that this means moderately stressful events can be good for us: they force our brains to keep learning.
In 2013, Kaufer and Kirby exposed lab rats to a few hours of moderate stress. At first, the stress appeared to have little effect on the rats – but two weeks later, after repeated exposure, their brains had developed new neural connections that improved their performance on memory tests. The same applies to humans, Kaufer and Kirby believe: as long as it doesn’t reach the point of serious misery or trauma, exposure to intermittent bursts of moderate stress helps our nerve cells to proliferate. Put simply, stress challenges our brains, and our brains respond to challenges by adapting and growing.
Kirby, a neuroscientist at the University of California, once remarked that: “Intermittent stressful events are probably what keep the brain more alert, and you perform better when you are alert.”
Boosting the immune system
According to a 2012 American study, rats subjected to various kinds of stress also showed more infection-fighting white cells in their bloodstream. In terms of survival, we cannot afford to get sick if we’re in a potentially dangerous situation, so when we are facing danger – anything from witnessing a car crash to tackling a difficult project – we release more of the cells that guard us against infections. Chronic, long-term stress can be bad for our health, but a moderate amount may help protect us from disease.
The power of belief
Does it do any good to reflect on these benefits? In 2013, American researcher Alia Crum and her colleagues split 400 employees of an international financial institution into two groups and showed each group a different series of videos about stress – one series described stress as debilitating, and another described it as life-enhancing. The workers shown the “enhancing” videos reported that, as a result, their productivity and their wellbeing had increased because of watching the videos. Stress can give us stimulation we need to develop and perform at our best – if we’re able to see the stress as a worthwhile challenge.
Severe or chronic, long-term stress is not good for us, but moderate, short-term stress can make us more alert, observant, and healthy – and the more aware we are of these benefits, the more likely we are to experience them.
3.8/10
In the American Psychological Association’s 2015 stress survey, on a scale of 1–10, people saw 3.8 as a healthy level of stress, but ranked their own stress at 5.1.
Breaking the association
Facing a challenge can be either a frightening or an exciting experience. According to a 2012 American study, it depends on how we appraise the situation – that is, how we interpret it and what we tell ourselves.
Consider now a stressful situation which results in an increase in psychological arousal but where there are two different and opposing responses:
[1] Negative response: “I feel stressed – this is bad.”
. You experience negative emotions.
. Your body feels overstrained.
. Your vigilance for potential threats is heightened.
. Your performance suffers.
[2] Positive response: “I feel revved up – this will help me rise to the challenge.”
. Your emotions are more positive.
. Your body functions optimally to cope well with the situation.
. Your assessment of the situation is more realistic.
. Your performance improves.
Acquiring resilience
Nobody likes feeling stressed, but some people are particularly skilled at coping with upsetting events and carrying on. What is the secret to building resilience, and how can we develop it in ourselves?
Bend but don’t break
What is resilience? The word comes from a Latin verb, resilire, meaning “to leap back”. A resilient person is not someone who never suffers, but one who can suffer and spring back again. It’s a quality that can help us to successfully endure stressful times: studies have confirmed that resilient individuals show a smaller increase of the “stress hormone” cortisol when under pressure. We can all benefit from a more resilient attitude.
A resilient personality?
If some people cope with stress particularly well, does that mean they were simply lucky to have a resilient personality – and if we weren’t born resilient, should we simply resign ourselves to unhappiness? In fact, the opposite is true. Resilience is not a personality trait, and no one is immune to the challenges of life. It is, rather, as a European team of psychologists put it in 2013, “a dynamic and adaptive process”. Essentially, we can learn to be resilient. How we choose to react to adversity can make a big difference.
Rachel Dias, a Brazilian psychologist, was able to sum up well what resilience means in pragmatic terms when she said: “Resilience is not invulnerability to stress, but, rather, the ability to recover from negative events.”
The power of self-efficacy
A major pillar of resiliency is what psychologists call “self-efficacy”: the belief that our actions have the power to affect our circumstances. There are four ways we build self-efficacy, so be alert to opportunities that can increase your sense of confidence and control in the face of stress:
[1] Persevering through failures – “I’ve survived worse than this. I’ll manage.”
[2] Finding good role models – “My mother raised me all by herself. People can be strong.”
[3] Interpreting our feelings positively – “I’m feeling so nervous. Let’s call it an exciting challenge.”
[4] Social persuasion – “My best friend says I’m resourceful. Maybe he’s right.”
Unexpected tactics
An influential set of studies in the 1990s by American psychologist George Bonanno examined the coping methods of people who had endured significant stress and loss but maintained good mental health. Their resilience was admirable, but how they were able to maintain wellbeing was surprising. Bonanno described it as “coping ugly” – and yet it worked. Strategies included:
. Exaggerating how well they had behaved under stress. It could seem vain, or even narcissistic, but it helped them to avoid self-blame.
. Refusing to entertain negative thoughts. Some people simply declared they could handle things – and this seemed to be a self-fulfilling prophecy.
. Laughing it off. While some psychologists might have called this denial, and the jokes weren’t always in good taste, humour could lessen the pain of a stressful event.
As “ugly coping” demonstrates, when you’re under stress, don’t feel guilty about using unconventional means to cope. Build up your buffers and be confident. Use the tools that work for you.
Creating a buffer
When we face the stressors that are an inevitable part of life, resilience can limit its impact. A 2015 Brazilian study of people caring for family members with dementia – an unquestionably stressful role – identified a strong collection of traits, resources, and attitudes that built resilience and heightened the caregivers’ sense of wellbeing.
Build up your resources
. Good coping strategies
. Focusing on the positive
. Self-efficacy (see above)
. An internal locus of control (that is, a “master of my own fate” attitude)
. Being fully engaged in daily activities
. Seeking and embracing a challenge
. Strong social support
The body’s alarm system
Science has traditionally used the term “fight or flight” to describe the body’s reaction to stress, but recent research paints a more complicated picture. Being aware of this can help us manage stress more effectively.
The physiology of stress
What actually happens to us when we’re stressed? The experience begins as a physical reaction, which can be extremely powerful.
The stress chemicals
Stress is a complex biological process that involves the entire body, led by two chemicals: the steroid hormone cortisol and the neurotransmitter noradrenaline – one of the chemical messengers that sends signals through the nervous system.
Noradrenaline is the “fight or flight” messenger that is responsible for our immediate reaction when we are faced with a threat. For example, if a barking dog suddenly and unexpectedly lunges towards you, you jump back and either you brace yourself to fight it off or you run away. Noradrenaline causes the body to:
. Increase the heart rate.
. Elevate blood pressure.
. Boost energy.
. Heighten vigilance.
. Send more blood to the muscles, allowing the brain and body to react quickly in the face of a threat.
Cortisol, the “stress hormone”, works more slowly (minutes) than noradrenaline (a fraction of a second). Cortisol:
. Stimulates glucose production, which gives you energy.
. Enhances the brain’s ability to use glucose, allowing you to think more quickly.
. Regulates other systems, such as appetite, sex drive, and digestion. In times of stress, cortisol directs the body’s resources away from these systems, so the body can focus on more immediate actions necessary for survival.
Cortisol also helps to recover from stress, restoring calm to the brain and to the rest of the body.
Noradrenaline and cortisol are essential to our survival, playing key roles in our stress response – but if the amount of either one is too high for too long, that can lead to negative consequences. Moderating our stress by learning good coping strategies protects our mental and physical health.
Twin systems
Rather than having a single nervous system, there are two systems that complement one another: the sympathetic and the parasympathetic nervous systems. When we talk about the stress response, we’re talking about the activation of the sympathetic nervous system.
The sympathetic nervous system allows us to take immediate action in response to a threat. However, when it is time to rest, eat, and recover, activities that stimulates our parasympathetic nervous system – such as relaxation and meditation – can help.
| SYMPATHETIC NERVOUS SYSTEM | PARASYMPATHETIC NERVOUS SYSTEM |
| Dilates pupils | Contracts pupils |
| Dries mouth | Stimulates saliva |
| Opens airways in lungs | Constricts airways |
| Quickens heart rate | Slows heart rate |
| Inhibits digestive activity | Promotes digestion |
| Contracts bladder | Relaxes bladder |
| Tenses muscles | Relaxes muscles |
. Parasympathetic nervous system: The rest-and-digest neural pathways, slow to react.
The Stress Curve
Is stress good or bad for performance? There’s actually a “sweet spot”, which differs for each of us. In 1908, American psychologists Robert Yerkes and John Dodson created an inverted-U model for the ideal amount of pressure, a model that’s still used today. They were describing the effects of the stress hormones secreted by the body’s hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal (HPA) axis. With too little pressure, we aren’t engaged; with too much, we become flustered and unable to concentrate. In between these two extremes, we experience a state of flow – we’re alert, focused, and ready to give our best.
Activating our alarm system
In producing a stress response to a real or potential threat, the body assesses external circumstances and internal resources.
. Our senses (eyes, ears, etc.) detect a threat.
- The message passes straight to a part of the brain called the amygdala.
- The amygdala immediately provokes a fear response.
- Instantly, noradrenaline increases heart rate and blood pressure, so we can react quickly and fight or flee.
- Cortisol increases the blood sugar level and diverts resources, so the body has the energy it needs to respond to the threat.
If the threat is not imminent, giving us time to think, the brain’s hippocampus reminds us of past experiences that might reduce our fear, and the cerebral cortex allows us to take stock and plan a response.
Identify your stressors
Any experience, problem, or situation that makes us feel threatened or overwhelmed is a “stressor”. As a first step in making your life more manageable, see if you can get a good overview of your own stressors.
Finding the trouble spots
A stressor is an event that disrupts our homeostasis. That’s the state where the body’s internal environment is in balance, and factors such as body temperature, blood sugar, blood pressure, and hormone levels are relatively stable. These can all be affected by both physical and psychological threats, and unless they return to their usual level, the body will start to suffer ill effects.
Real or perceived threats
Any threat to our physical wellbeing is a stressor – a fall or a car accident will provoke some degree of stress. A stressor can also be something we merely perceive as dangerous. If you get a poor evaluation at work, you aren’t in bodily danger, but you may worry about losing your job and being unable to pay your bills. Your body processes the experience as dangerous, and responds with symptoms such as elevated blood pressure, even though no direct physical confrontation took place.
Stress can result from a wide range of experiences. Self-assessment questionnaires are often available that help individuals identify their stressors, the lists drawn cover the experiences that are stressful for almost anyone. Questionnaires are normally divided into three categories: Relationship Stressors, Personal Stressors, and Job and Money Stressors. By ticking the questions that are relevant to you means you have identified a stressor (but do remember that every individual has their own stressors).
Here’s a short-list and example of what the questionnaires ask:
Relationship Stressors
. Have you recently separated or divorced?
. Have you recently lost a close relative or friend?
. Are you having problems in your sex life?
. Are you pregnant?
. Has your son or daughter recently left home?
. Are you caring for someone who is disabled or in poor health?
Personal Stressors
. Are you in poor health or injured?
. Have you, in the past, been in combat or done other dangerous or frightening work?
. Are you trying to break a habit, such as smoking?
. Have you experienced a traumatic event, such as an accident or mugging?
. Are you moving house?
. Do you live somewhere unpleasantly noisy?
. Are you having trouble sleeping?
. Are you in trouble with the law?
. Do you face discrimination, based on your race, your sexuality, your religion, or any other reason?
. Is someone bullying you?
. Are you lonely?
Job and Money Stressors
. Are you unemployed?
. Have you recently been promoted or demoted?
. Are you having problems with your boss?
. Do you have more work than you feel you can manage?
. Are you changing your line of work?
. Do you have a tough commute?
. Are you struggling to pay bills?
. Have your financial circumstances recently undergone any drastic changes?
. Are you approaching retirement, or have you recently retired?
– These are not exhaustive lists, but just a sample of the type of questions asked in helping you to identify your own stressors.
– The Holmes-Rahe Stress Inventory is a typical questionnaire the medical community considers an authoritative measure of stress.
Coping mechanisms
We all have our own way of dealing with stress, but some methods are more productive than others. A clear understanding of the pros and cons can help you choose the right strategy.
Getting some control
Coping is a broad concept, covering all the thoughts and actions we use to make a threatening situation more manageable. Psychology sorts coping methods into two basic types – “problem-focused” and “emotion-focused”. Which of these responses is best for you can depend a great deal on your circumstances.
Problem-focused coping
Where we have the power to change things, problem-focused coping is generally the better tactic. Methods include:
. Improving time management, allowing us to make necessary changes.
. Analysing the situation and what we can or cannot take on.
. Working extra hours to get through a crisis (This is only a solution to a short-term problem; if long hours become routine, the problem is the routine itself).
. Talking to someone who can help change the situation.
If you can change the situation, the stressor may go away, or at least become less burdensome.
Emotion-focused coping
Emotion-focused tactics involve trying to control your response to a stressor. This is sensible if you have no control over your circumstances; if you cannot change a situation, changing your reaction can limit its negative impact. That said, some emotion-focused methods can lead to more problems:
✗ Alcohol or drugs. These may offer a brief respite from stress, but it can lead to health problems, and sometimes dependency.
✗ Comfort eating. Junk food or too much food is unhealthy, as is weight gain, which can also hurt our self-esteem.
✗ Brooding. Dwelling on a bad situation tends to make it feel even worse.
✗ Fantasising. Indulging in wishful thinking can make reality feel less satisfying.
✗ Avoidance. If we deny there’s a problem, we don’t fix it.
✗ Blame. Self-blame increases our risk of depression, while blaming others can alienate people.
More effective emotion-focused methods include:
✔ Getting social support. Studies confirm that the comfort of friends and family lowers our stress levels.
✔ Meditation and/or prayer. For people comfortable with these methods, they can be an effective way of improving our emotional stability.
✔ Writing – for instance, keeping a gratitude diary can help to improve our moods.
✔ Seeking out a therapist. The right treatment can be extremely helpful.
Cure or endure?
Does your situation call for a problem-focussed or emotion-focused coping? To help you decide, ask yourself some simple questions:
Can I Change This Situation?
No = Use emotion-focused coping
Yes = Is this a good time to make the change?
No = Use emotion-focused coping
Yes = Use problem-focused coping
Psychologists agree there are situations where emotion-focused coping may be the right choice in the short-term, provided we choose a strategy that actively addresses our feelings rather than trying to avoid them.
Which method you choose is likely to vary from stressor to stressor, so use your best judgment and pick a coping strategy that fits your needs.
The power of re-framing
One of the most constructive coping mechanisms is a technique known as “cognitive re-framing”. Since stress is the feeling that we are unable to cope with a challenge, one way to reduce the stress is to consider how our thinking can cause us to believe we can’t cope.
Half full or half empty?
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is based on the principle of re-framing. CBT is a well-researched, effective approach for managing both short-term and chronic stress. It helps you to be aware of how you talk to yourself about stressful situations. If you tend to interpret events negatively – viewing the glass as half empty rather than half full – see whether trying a different perspective gives you more confidence.
A 2014 American study asked volunteers to sing karaoke in front of the experimenters. Those who were asked to say, “I am excited”, before they sang made fewer mistakes and reported feeling greater confidence in their abilities, than those who had been asked to say “I am nervous”. By re-framing the situation and their reaction to it, the “excited” singers were able to turn their stress into a sense of energy that helped both their objective performance and their subjective feelings.
Sometimes we need to tackle stress with problem-solving, and sometimes with emotion management. Either way, try to re-frame the situation to yourself more positively: it is likely to give you a better outcome.
Processing life’s demands
American psychologists Richard Lazarus and Susan Folkman see stress as a combination of our external circumstances and how we react to them. Lazarus defines our reaction as “cognitive appraisal” – how we present the situation to ourselves – and notes that we go through primary and secondary appraisal stages. If you’re under pressure, be aware that your secondary appraisal is as important as your first in manging your stress.
Again, this can be demonstrated using a Q&A algorithm. Upon the primary appraisal, we should ask: “Could this threaten me?”
No = No stress
Yes = Secondary appraisal: “Can I handle it?”
Yes = Positive stress
No = Negative stress (use problem- or emotion-focused coping to manage stress levels).
The scale of maturity
Psychodynamic theory focuses on a person’s thought processes as opposed to actions, and argues that in the face of stress, we employ defence mechanisms – some of which are more mature and thus more useful than others. More primitive (childish) responses tend to be emotion-focused, while the most mature include both problem-solving and more positive emotion-focused solutions. Under extreme stress, we are more likely to revert to immature coping strategies. If you’re feeling extremely stressed, stop and ask yourself: if you’re using any of these more primitive tactics, could a more mature approach help?
PRIMITIVE
. Acing out. Tantrums, self-harm, and other dangerous behaviour: “How dare that driver overtake me!” (Accelerates)
. Compartmentalisation. Acting as if one part of your life has no connection to another: “I don’t feel guilty for the unethical things my boss makes me do – that’s work, that’s not me.”
. Denial. Refusing to accept reality: “That lump on my body is probably nothing.”
. Disassociation. Checking out mentally to numb yourself from noticing or feeling anything: “I can’t think about this right now, I’ll just watch TV.”
. Projection. Attributing your own thoughts and impulses to someone else: “That guy I don’t like clearly thinks I’m an idiot.”
. Reaction formation. Changing an undesired thought into its opposite: “I don’t trust Martha? Of course I do.”
LESS PRIMITIVE, MORE MATURE
. Displacement. Taking anger out on someone who isn’t the cause of the problem. “I’ve got enough to deal with without you messing up as well!”
. Intellectualisation. Focusing on thoughts to avoid feelings: “No point in me crying about the stroke he’s suffered – I’m going to research it instead.”
. Rationalisation. Coming up with an explanation for an unwanted reality: “Nina says she’s thinking of leaving me, but she doesn’t really mean it – she’s just testing my commitment.”
. Repression. Squashing down unacceptable thoughts: “Nice people don’t get angry.”
. Undoing. Compensating for a regretted action by going to the other extreme – for instance, lavishly praising someone you accidentally insulted: “Oh dear, Frank is offended. I’ll tell everyone how talented and smart he is.”
MATURE
. Assertiveness. Respectful, clear, and firm communication of your needs: “Darling, if I’m going to collect the kids from their swimming club after school today, I need you to get dinner ready.”
. Compensation. Counter-balancing perceived weaknesses in one area with strengths in another: “Yes, my boss is always picking on me, but I’m lucky to have good workmates.”
. Sublimation. Channelling unacceptable impulses into more acceptable ones, such as joking, distraction, or altruism: “I’m so frustrated with my sister right now, but I’ll feel better about myself if I offer to help.”
Stressed by nature
Our personalities affect every aspect of stress, from the sort of situations we get into, to how we respond and cope. A classic psychological model can help us to assess how vulnerable we are.
Personality and pressure
In 1981, after decades of testing and refinement, the “Five Factor Model” was finally designated the “Big Five” by American researcher Lewis Goldberg. The Big Five is one of the most authoritative and widely accepted means of measuring personality. The Big Five traits are extroversion/introversion, agreeableness, conscientiousness, openness, and neuroticism. The following acronym is worth remembering.
Openness
Conscientiousness
Extroversion
Agreeableness
Neuroticism
Neuroticism
The term “neuroticism” sounds harsh, but it simply implies that someone is more vulnerable to stress and finds it more difficult to shrug off negative feelings and experiences.
If your neuroticism is relatively high, it’s even more important to practise ongoing, effective self-care. Neuroticism can be managed or reduced if your work on your coping skills (see above), and so with good stress management, having a “neurotic” personality trait does not mean you cannot have a happy life.
Other traits
Even people with low neuroticism are prone to stress in certain situations. To help maintain your wellbeing, consider these points:
. Arrange your social diary to suit you. Extroverts become stressed when lonely, introverts when socially overloaded.
. Choose the right friends. Agreeable people – who prefer to cooperate, not confront – are more troubled by conflict than less agreeable types, who may feel stressed if they’re expected to defer to social expectations.
. Plan your work realistically. Conscientious people are more likely to take on heavy loads and become stressed, while the less conscientious can find themselves in stressful situations if they neglect essential responsibilities.
. Know your comfort zone. People open to new experiences can become stressed if feeling bored or confined. Less open people are stressed by change and having to think in new ways.
Be aware of your own needs and remember that there is no “right” personality, just individuals who find their own effective means of coping.
Taking it like a man
While every individual is unique, the evidence suggests that there do seem to be typically “male” and “female” ways of handling pressure. Sometimes both men and women can learn from each other.
Men, women, and stress
It may be a stereotype that men are competitive and women nurturing, but as far as stress goes, research appears to bear the stereotype out.
In 2000, the journal Psychological Review published an influential American study reporting that men may respond to stress by going into “fight or flight” mode, either seeking to escape the situation or becoming aggressive. Women, however, are more likely to respond with “tend and befriend” – that is, reaching out to other people to foster supportive relationships.
A 2014 study at the University of Vienna tested this gender gap and found that the results echoed. The researchers predicted that people would become more egocentric under stress – that is, less able to see past their own feelings and consider other people’s. They were right about men, but not about women: under strain, women grew better at “reading” other people’s emotions.
🔎 All In The Brain
A 2013 American study scanned male and female brains to see if they were wired differently. The results: male brains showed more connections between perception and action, while female brains showed more connections between analytic and intuitive processing modes. Under stress, male brains are generally more inclined to look for active solutions, while female brains tend to scan the social environment and try to understand everyone’s motivations.
Is our biology our destiny?
At a biological level, men and women experience stress in the same way and produce similar levels of the stress hormone cortisol. However, the evidence suggests that men and women choose different coping methods in response to the same basic feeling of stress.
Exactly why is not clear. Part of the reason may be hormonal women in the 2014 study were found to have higher oxytocin levels than men: oxytocin is the “cuddle hormone”, most associated with social bonding. It’s also possible that “tend and befriend” is learned behaviour: as the research speculates women “may have internalised the experience that they receive more external support when they are able to interact better with others”, whereas men have found this useful lesson more difficult to learn.
Whether the experience is “nature” or “nurture”, men and women do exhibit different behaviours in response to stress.
The lessons of gender
Whatever your gender, there are some useful lessons in these findings. As the researchers observed, being able to “tend and befriend” under stress is a valuable skill: most of the stresses of contemporary life are slow-burn and rather complicated. “Fight or flight” is useful if we’re hunting or chasing off a rival, but in modern life, social support is more likely to help us with our problems.
Who’s More Stressed?
According to a 2015 stress survey by the American Psychological Association, there’s a gender gap in how men and women view their stress levels.
Average reported stress levels on a scale of 1–10:
. Women 5.3
. Men 4.9
Percentage of Americans likely to report high stress levels:
. Women 28%
. Men 20%
If you’re male, it may be useful to remind yourself that reaching out to others may be the most helpful choice you can make under pressure. Women, on the other hand, may sometimes “tend and befriend” too much for their own good. As a spokesperson for the American Psychological Association remarked, “Self-sacrifice in relationships is how many women enter stress” – sometimes a little more self-interest might help you to protect your own needs. A balance between “male” and “female” means of coping is probably best for everyone.
How does stress come out?
A 2010 survey by the American Psychological Association found a variety of symptoms of stress that affect us to different degrees – if you experience some of these don’t judge yourself too harshly.
| Category/Gender | MALE | FEMALE |
| Irritability or anger | 45% | 46% |
| Tiredness | 39% | 43% |
| Lacking interest or motivation | 35% | 40% |
| Anxiety | 34% | 38% |
| Headache | 40% | 41% |
| Feeling depressed or sad | 30% | 38% |
| Feeling like crying | 15% | 44% |
| Upset stomach | 21% | 32% |
| Tense muscles | 22% | 24% |
| Change in appetite | 19% | 22% |
| No symptoms | 28% | 19% |
Perfectly imperfect
Is your best never good enough? The demanding standards of perfectionism can drain the joy out of your life and keep your stress levels high. Is it time to give yourself a break?
The relief of realistic standards
Perfectionism might sound like a good trait – after all, people who care about high standards in any walk of life are likely to be achievers. However, holding ourselves to excessive standards can become highly stressful.
The perfectionism debate
Is perfectionism always bad for us, or only in certain cases? A 2003 American study by psychologist Kenneth Rice made a distinction between “adaptive” and “maladaptive” perfectionism in people with high standards. An adaptive trait helps us fit into our environment in a positive way – in this case, having high standards but also being able to cope when we fall short. Maladaptive traits cause problems, such as being highly distressed by a perceived failure. Canadian psychologist Paul Hewitt doesn’t think perfectionism is in any way adaptive, pointing out that it increases our risk of mental illnesses, including anorexia and depression.
Meanwhile, a 2003 British study found that the people most at risk of hopelessness and despair were those who combined perfectionism with “avoidance coping” – that is, dealing with problems by ignoring rather than confronting them. The combination of impossible standards and avoidant behaviour caused stress and depression.
Psychologists’ opinions differ as to whether perfectionism can ever be a positive attribute. Taken together, the evidence suggests perfectionism tends to make it harder to cope with the stresses of life.
What can I do?
When others are pressurising us to be perfect, our best protection is to create appropriate boundaries and to be assertive. If the perfectionism is coming from within, take the advice of Jeff Szymanski of America’s International OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) Foundation:
. Prioritise based on your values. Trying to do everything perfectly is hugely stressful. Save your high standards for the things that matter to you most.
. Get comfortable with the idea of experimenting. Taking risks and making mistakes needn’t be a disaster and can be a positive learning experience.
. Be process-smart. The majority of the payoff for your efforts tends to happen fairly early in the process; after that, the benefit-to-effort ratio starts to decline – and at some point it stops being worthwhile.
. Reward yourself for imperfect achievements. For instance, it may be better to meet a deadline with a slightly less-than-perfect product than spend so long getting it right that you don’t deliver at all.
. Find role models. Who do you know who has similar goals, but seems to struggle less? When facing a challenge, ask yourself – or them – how they’d tackle it.
We all must learn to tolerate a level of imperfection. Your life can be far less stressful if you can allow yourself to be human and fallible.
Stress-Saving Cue Cards
The Anxiety Disorders Association of British Columbia recommends that we write some positive realistic statements on cue cards and carry them with us to serve as a reality check when perfectionism is making us too stressed. Examples might include: “Nobody’s perfect.” — “Having an off day doesn’t make me a failure.” — “It’s okay to make mistakes – everyone does.” — “I’m only human.” — “If I’ve done my best, that’s the best I can do.”
How perfectionist are you?
Perfectionism has more than one face.
See which of these statements you agree with:
A I really want the people I care about to succeed.
B The more I succeed, the more people around me expect.
C I can’t relax until I’ve got something perfect.
A I can’t be bothered with people who won’t do their best.
B It’s difficult to measure up to people’s expectations of me.
C It makes me uncomfortable when I find I’ve made a mistake.
A I don’t tolerate people who let me down.
B People don’t say it, but my mistakes really upset them.
C I must always work to my full potential.
“A” statements indicate “other-oriented” perfectionism: you expect perfection in others.
✔ You can make your social relationships less stressful by developing your forgiveness skills.
“B” statements indicate “socially prescribed” perfectionism: other people expect perfection from you.
✔ You can draw some healthier boundaries by improving your assertiveness skills.
“C” statements indicate “self-oriented” perfectionism: you set yourself perfect standards.
✔ You can de-stress by being more tolerant of yourself – nobody is perfect.
Self-Compassion
Sometimes we’re our own worst enemies: it’s difficult not to feel stressed if we berate ourselves for every mistake or failing. A series of exercises to help you treat yourself compassionately may be the answer.
Becoming your own comforter
When you feel stressed, you need comfort, and the first person who can comfort you is yourself. A 2005 British study found that self-compassion – having the same forgiving attitude towards ourselves that a kind person would show to others – deactivates the body’s alarm system. Giving yourself some compassion is key to de-stressing.
Three routes
American psychologist Kristin Neff identifies three components we can use to keep our stress levels down:
[1] Self-kindness. We value showing kindness to others, but often say things to ourselves that we’d never say to anyone else, like “You idiot!” If we treat ourselves with the compassion we extend to others, we’re likely to feel much better.
[2] Common humanity. Everyone faces challenges in life. Rather than feeling isolated by our errors and problems, see them as a sign that we share a great deal with other people – an insight that can comfort by making us feel more connected.
[3] Mindfulness. We don’t always recognise how hard we’re being on ourselves; some of us even find it hard to notice how upset we’re feeling. Take a moment to acknowledge feelings with the respect they deserve.
Gentleness and awareness of our own feelings can help us feel better able to cope – and that feeling is the foundation of managing stress.
Compassion-focused therapy
Developed by British psychologist Paul Gilbert and influenced by Buddhism, compassion-focused therapy posits that some people find it particularly difficult to manage their stress levels because they have an over-active threat-detection system – they identify stressors more quickly than the average person. A 2009 paper by Gilbert recommends the following methods to become more relaxed:
. Compassionate attention. Focus on memories of giving or receiving kindness, or times when your positive qualities shone. Direct your attention to thoughts that make you feel warm and safe.
. Compassionate reasoning. Avoid dwelling on feelings of shame and self-criticism: instead, use logic to find more compassionate interpretations of your situation and actions.
. Compassionate behaviour. When you must do something stressful, give yourself plenty of private encouragement. Focus on the process rather than the task – that is, appreciate the efforts you make, no matter what the result.
. Compassionate imagery. Picture a compassionate figure that gives you the support you need, be it human, animal, or divine – whichever feels meaningful to you.
. Compassionate feeling. Work on cultivating compassionate emotions, for yourself and others.
. Compassionate sensation. Become more aware of how your body feels when you’re feeling compassion. For instance, do your shoulders drop? Do your facial muscles relax? By recognising the physical experience, you’ll be better able to understand your emotions, which makes it easier to develop your compassion skills.
☑ SELF-COMPASSION EXERCISE
American psychologist Kristen Neff recommends the following “self-compassion break” when you find yourself stressed:
. Identify the feeling you are suffering. Use a phrase such as “This is stress” or “This is painful”.
. Remind yourself of common humanity. Tell yourself, “Suffering is part of life” or “Everyone feels this way sometimes”.
. Rest your hands on your heart or adopt another comforting pose, and say, “May I be compassionate to myself” or “May I have patience and strength”, or another affirmation.
☑ PICTUTE THIS…
A 2008 British study found that a simple visualisation exercise helped reduce stress. If you’re feeling tense, try this:
[1] Picture a figure that represents ideal compassion, be it human or non-human (see “Compassionate imagery”, above).
[2] As the researchers put it, “Allow yourself to feel the loving-kindness that is there for you.”
Subjects reported feeling safer afterwards, and their levels of the stress hormone cortisol dropped significantly. When we’re feeling stressed, the more kindness we can show ourselves, the easier it is to manage feelings and face life’s challenges with confidence.
Writing it out
You may not be Shakespeare, but with a pen in your hand you can become your own best listener. Writing can be an excellent tool for coping with stress, helping you to understand and manage your own feelings.
Keeping a stress diary
Therapeutic writing helps to calm both the body and the mind. Pen and paper might turn out to be your most useful tools during stressful times.
Good for our health
Extensive research published in 1998 by American psychologist Joshua Smyth confirmed that writing boosts the immune systems of patients with distressing medical conditions such as arthritis and asthma. A 2004 study in New Zealand found similar benefits for patients suffering from HIV/AIDS. Writing about their emotions made the patients feel better.
However, as Smyth noted, it’s not enough just to vent your feelings, which can make us feel more negative. Writing is most useful when it helps us gain insight about what causes us stress and how we react to that stress.
The importance of meaning
It’s useful to begin with a clear idea of how you want your writing to help you. A 2002 study by American researcher Susan Lutgendorf found that volunteers who kept a diary to help them find meaning in their health problems experienced improved health, while those who simply wrote about their negative feelings felt worse – not just worse than the meaning-oriented writers, but worse than the control group as well. As Lutgendorf observed, “You need focused thought as well as emotions.”
Simply grumbling, whether verbally or in writing, may make you feel more stressed. It’s best if your use your diary or journal to reflect on:
. How you feel you’re coping with your stress.
. Whether you might try other coping methods.
. What you are learning from the experience.
. What currently gives you a sense of meaning in your life – or, if nothing does, what would.
If you can use writing to find meaning in your situation, you may start to feel better emotionally and physically.
By writing, you put some structure and organisation to those anxious feelings. It helps you to get past them.
A DAILY STRESS DIARY
Feeling stressed, but not sure why? A daily diary can help to pinpoint your stressors and track your reactions. This can show you whether your response to a stressor helps to improve a problem or makes it worse. Try keeping a log with two sections, hourly and daily. Draw a grid with headings and questions for the day ahead, so it’s easy to fill in even when you’re busy.
The hourly section
Draw up a grid for the whole day, write in it once an hour, and keep it brief. Here’s an example of what the section might look like:
| Time | 10am | 11am |
| What am I doing? | Arranging files | Gone on an errand |
| How enjoyable is it? | 2/10 | 6/10 |
| How efficient am I being? | 8/10 | 8/10 |
| How do I feel physically? | Restless, fidgety | Relaxed – good to be out in the daylight |
| How stressed am I? | 7/10 | 2/10 |
The daily section, when a stressful event happens
Find a quiet moment to add this section and answer these questions:
| When and where? | Saturday, 3pm at home |
| What happened? | Neighbour playing loud music again |
| What did I do about that? | Banged on the wall |
| Was this problem-focused or emotion-focused? | Problem-focused, but it didn’t solve much |
| What was most stressful? | Feeling like I can’t get privacy in my own home |
| Did it help? | He turned the music down, but only a bit and I’m still angry |
| What could I do next time? | Ask him to listen to his music from our side of the wall, so he realises how loud it is for us |
✔ THE PENNEBAKER PARADIGM
In the 1980s, American social psychologist James Pennebaker created a technique for what he called “expressive writing” – a way of becoming your own therapist when you’re dealing with a specific, identifiable stressor. He offers some simple guidelines:
[1] For at least four consecutive days, write for at least 20 minutes solidly.
[2] Choose a topic that is personal and important – for instance, the stress you’re experiencing about a family crisis.
[3] Write continuously. Spelling mistakes, punctuation, ink blots, bad handwriting – these things don’t matter. Just keep your pen on the page and your hand moving.
[4] Write for your eyes only. When you’re finished, you might even destroy the pages. This is writing for the experience, not for an audience.
[5] Don’t put yourself over the edge. If you come to a point where you feel that writing about a certain subject will make you too upset, then stop.
[6] Expect to feel a little sad or tired after you finish writing. The feeling should pass in an hour or two.
AM I WORTH IT?
It can be hard to feel good about yourself when you’re overwhelmed. Sometimes a healthy self-esteem is helpful: believing you deserve to feel better is a powerful motivator for improving stress management.
Stress and self-esteem
Feeling that you’re unable to cope with everything that life throws at you can erode your sense of ability and worth. If your self-image isn’t healthy to begin with, you might question whether you even deserve to overcome your stress and feel better. We all strive to feel calm and self-assured, so let’s consider the techniques that can bolster your self-esteem.
Avoid comparisons
A key element of secure self-esteem is liking yourself as yourself. Comparing yourself with others often increases stress levels: there will always be somebody who can do something we can’t or has something we don’t – even if we have plenty of achievements.
Psychologists contrast “secure” high self-esteem with “fragile” high self-esteem. Secure high self-esteem is the sense that we are basically likeable and worthwhile. If we have fragile high self-esteem, we define ourselves by our successes and ignore our failures – but by doing this, we don’t learn from our mistakes. We then become easily agitated by any suggestion that our self-image might be questionable. When building your self-esteem, appreciate your accomplishments but focus most on those that are meaningful to you, whether they’re impressive to others or not. This approach engenders self-esteem and greater emotional stability.
Build yourself up
A 2011 Swiss study found that a key factor is a sense of mastery – feeling competent and able to manage your life. American psychologist Guy Winch advises some practical steps to increase this sense:
[1] Forget generic affirmations. If you don’t truly believe it, saying “I’m a great person” will only make you feel worse by reminding you that you don’t feel that way.
[2] Identify your authentic strengths. Being good at anything, however small, is a solid reason to feel confident.
[3] Engage your abilities. If you can do something well, do it more: you are demonstrating your competence to yourself.
[4] Accept compliments. If you are uncomfortable with praise, simply say “thank you” and allow yourself to hear good things.
[5] Affirm yourself – it’s healthy, not vain, to be pleased by doing something well.
Rather than comparing yourself to others, work on appreciating your best attributes. With time, this will heighten your self-esteem and improve how you manage stress.
✔ DESERVING A NICE SPACE
A run-down and dirty home is dispiriting: when you look around your personal space, you’re getting the message that you aren’t worth much, further eroding your self-esteem and your ability to cope with stress. British psychiatrist Neel Burton advises creating a setting that feels comfortable. By displaying photos, souvenirs, and reminders of special times and people, you will see evidence of your own value.
? THE SELF-ESTEEM SPECTRUM
Isn’t it good to be modest? Perhaps, but too little self-esteem is unhealthy. Chronic stress can make us feel bad about ourselves, which can lead us to neglect our self-care, feel worse, and think we don’t deserve better. Recognising this pattern can start us on the road to an improved sense of worth. It’s helpful to think of self-esteem as a spectrum, and aim for the moderately high end rather than the extremes. Try and identify where you place on the spectrum below (ranging from very low to over-inflated). You will then be able to establish whether you’d benefit from a more secure sense of mastery (see “Build yourself up”, above).
According to American psychologist Michael Kernis, high self-esteem individuals are people who like, value, and accept themselves, imperfections and all.
Very low
> Feeling worthless
> Self-neglecting
> Depressive
> Experiencing chronic (long-term) stress
Low
> Uncertain
> Vulnerable
> Unassertive
> Frequently stressed
Healthy high
> Confident
> Realistic
> Deserving happiness
> Managing stress
Over-inflated
> Self-aggrandising
> Defensive
> Hostile
> Stressed by any perceived slight
Finding meaning
Do we ned to be stress-free to be happy? Far from it: a healthy level of stress helps us to develop emotionally and attain our goals. The challenge is to identify what makes that stress feel worthwhile.
Making stress worthwhile
Stress can make us unhappy – but happiness isn’t the only measure of wellbeing. It’s also important to have a sense of meaning in our lives.
Three routes to happiness
Martin Seligman, the American psychologist, and pioneer of the positive psychology movement, which focuses on the study of how and why people thrive, argues that it is a mistake to assume we should measure our lives purely on whether they’re pleasant. Instead, Seligman describes three routes to happiness:
. The Pleasant Life (also known as the “hedonic” life): having many pleasures and the skills to make the best use of them.
. The Good Life: knowing your strengths and building your work, family life, leisure, and friendships around being able to use those strengths to be more fully engaged.
. The Meaningful Life: using your strengths in the service of something bigger than yourself – a cause you truly believe in.
A 2008 Australian study surveyed more than 12,000 adults and found that all three types of happiness predicted wellbeing, but that engagement (or “Good Life” experiences) and meaning were more powerful predictors than hedonism. Pleasurable experiences aren’t antithetical to our wellbeing, but meaning is more fundamental to it – and while stress certainly isn’t pleasurable, it is compatible with living a meaningful life.
How to create meaning?
Viktor Frankl was an Austrian psychiatrist who survived the Holocaust. He spent his career studying the psychology of meaning – and suggested that we can discern meaning through three separate paths:
[1] Meaning through creative values. Making or accomplishing something we feel is worthwhile.
[2] Meaning through experimental values. Frankl gives the example of a mountain-climber who is uplifted at the sight of an alpine sunset.
[3] Meaning through attitudinal values. We can find meaning even in sad or stressful situations – by considering, for instance, that we are doing something valuable.
Some other practical suggestions for finding meaning:
✔ Create a coherent narrative about your life. American psychologist Robert Biswas-Diener suggests simple writing exercises (see “Writing it Out”, above) in which you describe the best possible self you aspire to be – morally as well as in terms of achievements – and consider concrete strategies for working towards your goals.
✔ Support others, be generous. A 2013 American study found that people pursuing happy lives tended to be “takers”, while people with meaningful lives tended to be “givers”.
✔ Don’t wait for a leader. A 2016 British study found that, while having bad bosses could make a job feel meaningless, inspirational bosses were barely mentioned: people’s sense of meaning came from feeling that their own work contributed to society.
Living with a certain amount of stress can be tolerable, and even desirable, provided you feel it has meaning.
🔎 WELLSPRINGS OF MEANING
According to a 2016 American paper by researchers Login George and Crystal Park, a meaningful life has three central features:
[1] Purpose. Having valued life goals that motivate your actions and guide your choices.
[2] Comprehension. Being able to understand your life experiences and see them as part of a coherent whole.
[3] Mattering. Feeling that your existence is valuable to others and has significance.
The key is to identify what you care about most in life – what higher purpose or bigger picture you feel you fit into. If you can do that, then the everyday stresses may start to feel less important in comparison.
🔎 THE FULL LIFE
Stress undermines positive emotions – but meaning can be another way to feel your life is positive. Positive psychology identifies five elements to a well-rounded existence, summed up in the acronym PERMA:
| P Positive emotions | Happiness, pleasure, delight |
| E Engagement | Interest and “flow” |
| R Relationships | Loving connections with other people |
| M Meaning | Feeling part of something worthwhile |
| A Accomplishments | Meeting challenges; pride in self |
Feeling in control
Much as you may wish to reign in others, the only person you can truly control is yourself. Appreciating the full weight of this life lesson can make it a great deal easier to limit the power that stress has over you.
Understanding our limits
Few things are as frustrating as trying to control someone who simply won’t do as we wish – but by believing we have control over our own actions, thoughts, and feelings, we can empower ourselves to feel calmer and more confident.
Beating the bullies
We can often limit the impact of a tiresome or offensive person by managing our own reaction. However, it’s worth noting that studies confirm the stress of being bullied increases our vulnerability to depression and anxiety.
Psychologists define bullying as the use of power and aggression to cause distress, in one of two ways:
. Direct bullying. Overt expressions of threat, such as violence, sexual harassment, threats, and insults.
. Relational aggression. Causing pain by spreading rumours, gossiping, and deliberately excluding people.
In both situations, you can and should exercise self-care by shoring up your self-esteem (see above), but sometimes the best solution may be to find a way to escape them – for example, by switching teams at work. This may take time and can be stressful while it lasts, so reach out to your social supports, and fill your life with positive people while you plan how to steer clear of the negative ones.
Is self-control boring?
Often associated with denying ourselves the fun and pleasures of life, self-control can make our lives happier. A 2013 study led by American psychologist Wilhelm Hofmann defined self-control as “the ability to override or change one’s inner responses” and found that people with more self-control tended to have fewer conflicts, a better mood, more life satisfaction, and lower stress. Knowing what we want out of life and moving towards it leads to a happier state of mind, and we feel better if we don’t let momentary stress or temptation distract us.
Using CBT techniques can improve your sense of control by challenging stressful thoughts, and mindfulness can help you manage your mood. There’s a limit to what we can control, but it’s helpful to remind yourself that you hold more power than you might expect when it comes to your own thoughts, feelings, and actions.
🔎 THE LOCUS OF CONTROL
Do you see yourself as master of your fate, or do you tend to think that “what will be will be” regardless of your actions? If you identify more with the former, you have a high “internal locus of control” – and such people tend to suffer less depression and anxiety. Remind yourself that you have the power to manage your stress: it can be a self-fulfilling prophecy.
⬆ High Internal Locus of Control. Examples include, “I have the power to change my fate.” And, “I’m in control of my own thoughts and feelings.”
⬇ Low Internal Locus of Control. Examples include, “My life is shaped by chance.” And, “Others hold the power over me.”
Breaking the worry cycle
Sometimes the most stressful problem is the one that might happen: if you don’t know the outcome, it’s harder to plan your coping strategies. Fretting doesn’t help, though – worries need to be managed.
Dealing with uncertainty
If the prospect of a possible problem – one that hasn’t happened yet – sends your stress levels climbing, you are probably a worrier. Worry is stressful (worriers often worry that they worry too much), so it’s wise to learn some techniques that help you keep worry in check.
Set aside worry time
In the 1980s, American psychology professor Thomas Borkovec developed a four-step therapy for excessive worrying. The principle is that we worry throughout the day, we start to associate particular places with worry. When we see those places again, we automatically start worrying. To break this cycle, these are Borkovec’s four steps:
[1] Identify which of your thoughts and feelings are worry.
[2] Set aside a time and place where you will think about the things that are worrying you.
[3] If you find yourself worrying outside that time and place, stop, postpone those thoughts until the assigned time, and refocus on what you were doing.
[4] Use your “worrying time” to try to find solutions for the problems that are worrying you.
These steps can significantly lower your stress levels: in a 2011 Dutch study, volunteers felt calmer even if they tried just the first step – and if they used all four, their worries decreased considerably.
☑ GOING ROUND AND ROUND
Obsessive worry is described by American psychologist William Doverspike as a negative spiral that grows deeper the more you stress over it and can become a trance-like state. See if you recognise this pattern:
[1] You worry. When something stresses you, your response is to fret, brood, and dwell on it.
[2] You feel stressed by your worry. Fretting is an uncomfortable experience and makes you feel worse.
[3] You believe the problem is even more worrying. You now associate thinking about it with feeling worse, so it must be bad, right?
Breaking out of the spiral takes mental energy, so experiment with some of these “trance-breakers” and see if they help you to steer your stress response onto a more positive track.
. Change your environment: for instance, go for a walk and pay attention to your surroundings.
. Create a different emotional mood: listen to soothing music or watch an exciting movie.
. Engage in a hobby: do something rewarding that you associate with fun and relaxation.
. Do something challenging and interesting that takes all your attention and creates “flow”.
. Use some calming breathing exercises, progressive muscle relaxation, or meditation.
Embracing uncertainty
Many psychologists recommend creating a worksheet to help you consider how you react to the unknown, which can help take some of the stress out of it:
[1] How has needing certainty helped or hindered me?
[2] If it’s hindered me, how do I tend to cope with that?
[3] If I don’t know what will happen, do I predict something bad?
[4] How likely is it that bad things will happen?
[5] If there’s only a small chance, can I live with that?
[6] Are there uncertainties I can tolerate?
[7] How do my friends and family cope with unpredictability?
[8] Is there anything I can learn from them?
[9] Can I apply those coping skills to different parts of my life?
“Worry isn’t worth what it can cost . . . After all, most of what we worry about never happens.” – Seth Gillihan, American psychology professor
De-stress your thinking
Stressful situations happen to us all, but do you ever convince yourself that things are worse than they really are? A form of therapy known as CBT might be what you need to keep things in perspective.
Dr Frank Ghinassi, Associate Professor of Psychiatry, at the University of Pittsburgh, says: “Our emotions start with our interpretations of events.”
The power of CBT
CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) is a commonly recommended form of talk therapy. A 2012 review of several hundred studies, included patients treated for a variety of mood disorders and other mental illnesses, found very strong evidence that CBT was effective, particularly as a technique to reduce stress levels considerably. If you’re prone to having distressing thoughts, you can develop the art of catching them before they make you too unhappy. “Catch it, check it, change it” are the three Cs of CBT.
Catch your negative thoughts.
We will come to the 10 common “cognitive distortions” – ways of thinking that make things seem worse than they really are – below. If your thinking often contains cognitive distortions, consider trying this:
[1] Identify the thoughts that’s bothering you – for example, “I’ve taken on too many projects; I’ll miss my deadlines and look bad to all of my clients”.
[2] Ask yourself how much you believe the thought. Assign a percentage – for example, 85%.
[3] Ask yourself if the thought is a cognitive distortion.
[4] Consider some alternative interpretations – “I’ve met tight deadlines before”, or “This client can be flexible about dates”. You may have your doubts but try some other interpretations for size.
[5] Look at the evidence as calmly as possible. Do the facts really support your forecast of doom? Is there any evidence that is more encouraging?
[6] Ask yourself again how much you believe the upsetting thought. The answer doesn’t have to be “Not at all”. If you’ve dropped from 85% to 45%, that’s still a marked improvement.
The more you work at catching and reframing cognitive distortions, the easier it will be. Eventually, it will become your new normal, and you won’t have to work so hard to change your thinking.
🔎 COGNITIVE TROUBLE-SHOOTING
It’s easy to get stressed if we are prone to thinking the worst. Psychology lists 10 common types of distorted thinking, but with cognitive re-framing, it’s a tendency we can learn to control.
The cognitive distortions and how they work:
[1] All-or-nothing: If you aren’t perfect, you must be hopeless – Example: “I failed one of my exams. I’m an idiot.” Re-framing with an alternative explanation – “That was a tough paper for everyone.”
[2] Over-generalising: If it happens once, that is how it will always be – Example: “Tom didn’t call back. I can’t keep friends.” Re-framing with an alternative explanation – “He’s just not that great at keeping in touch.”
[3] Mental Filter: Focusing on a negative detail, screening out the wider context – Example: “Coach likes my ball control but says I need more stamina. I quit.” Re-framing with an alternative explanation – “He wouldn’t tell me what to improve if he didn’t believe in me.”
[4] Disqualifying the positive: Finding ways to write off good news and positive feedback – Example: “My boss says I did well – she’s just trying to encourage us all.” Re-framing with an alternative explanation – “Maybe she actually meant it.”
[5] Jumping to conclusions: Mind reading and fortune telling such as predicting disaster – Example: “He hasn’t called since our date. He doesn’t want to be with me.” Re-framing with an alternative explanation – “It was only yesterday. Maybe he’s just been too busy to call yet.”
[6] Maximising/minimising: Bad news is a disaster (“catastrophised”), good news is no big deal – Example: “He says my report needs work. He wants to fire me.” Re-framing with an alternative explanation – “It’s just one piece of feedback. If I take it well, I’ll look good.”
[7] Emotional reasoning: Taking your feelings for facts – Example: “I feel like a failure, so that’s what I must be.” Re-framing with an alternative explanation – “Maybe I’m just tired and discouraged today.”
[8] “Should” statements: Imposing rules on yourself – Example: “I mustn’t cry over my dog dying. It’s pathetic.” Re-framing with an alternative explanation – “I really loved that old dog. It’s good to love.”
[9] Labelling and mislabelling: Thinking one action sums a person up – Example: “I’ve just let out a friend’s secret. I’m a bad friend.” Re-framing with an alternative explanation – “It was a slip of the tongue. I’ll try to make amends.”
[10] Personalising: Blaming yourself if things go wrong – Example: “My son is moody. I’m a bad parent.” Re-framing with an alternative explanation – “He’s a teenager, he’s got a lot on his mind.”
In addition to the re-framing with an alternative explanation, counterevidence to support re-framing is also an important facet. For example, on the cognitive distortion [1] All-or-nothing, the counterevidence to support reframing might be, “Gina and Leo failed too, and they usually do well.” Similarly, for [2] Over-generalising, the counterevidence might suggest “I have good friends who do keep in touch.” Or, for [7] Emotional reasoning, the counterevidence to support re-framing might be, “I have achieved plenty of things in my life.”
How stressed?
Some stress in life is inevitable, and when it’s below a certain level we can usually cope. Be alert to your own psychological wellbeing, so that you can recognise when you might need more help.
Between discomfort and danger
Most stress is what psychiatrists call sub-clinical – enough to affect your quality of life, but not enough to provoke a diagnosable illness. However, the greater and more prolonged your stress, the more vulnerable your physical and mental wellbeing. Knowing what level of stress you’re dealing with is vital for knowing how to manage it.
. Acute stress is a short-term crisis, such as giving a public speech. It may be exciting, even useful, in small doses, and does little harm unless it is severe or traumatic. The negative effects can include emotional distress and physical symptoms such as headaches and stomach aches, but they’re usually manageable.
. Episodic acute stress is what happens when acute stress is a regular event, such as having frequent crises because you habitually take on too much. Practising assertiveness, prioritisation skills, and mindfulness can help you to reduce its impact.
. Chronic stress is a high level of stress over an extended period, such as a boss who consistently overloads and criticises you. It wears you down and leaves you feeling exhausted. It increases your vulnerability to physical and mental illnesses, and you may need support from a therapist who can help you to improve your coping skills.
How serious is it?
One sign that chronic stress is getting to you – possibly to the point where you should consult a doctor to investigate whether it is seriously affecting your mental health – is “cognitive impairment”. If stress makes regular thinking tasks difficult (see below), this can interfere with your problem-solving and multi-tasking, which worsens stress.
Experiencing acute stress now and then is unlikely to harm you unless it’s very extreme, but if it becomes a chronic or regular part of your life, using stress-management techniques may make you a lot happier. Whatever your situation, it’s important to develop good self-care and keep your stress levels down to a tolerable level.
🔎 WEARING YOU DOWN
The “stress hormone” cortisol is essential, in moderation, but if we are chronically stressed, a constantly elevated cortisol level can lead to:
. A suppressed immune system, making us more at risk of infection.
. Increased appetite and excess glucose production, which may lead to weight gain, high blood sugar, and other health problems.
. High blood pressure, which can lead to heart disease and stroke.
Chronically high levels of cortisol can lead to damage to brain cells in areas that are critical for memory and concentration. Keeping your stress down can be crucial for your body and mind.
THINKING CLEARLY?
A 2015 British study identified a series of tests that can suggest there’s a problem. If you’re worried, test your performance on these:
. Reasoning. Can you solve verbal and numeric reasoning problems at your usual rate?
. Reaction time. Are your reactions slowing down at all?
. Numeric memory. Can you remember a phone number for long enough to dial the number?
. Visuospatial ability. Taking six pairs of cards, randomly arranged face-down, and turning over two at a time, how many tries does it take for you to match them all?
. Prospective memory. If you’re given an instruction and then have a delay before you can act on it, can you remember what you were supposed to do?
Everyone has different abilities in these areas, so making mistakes isn’t necessarily a concern, but if you notice your skills declining compared with your usual level, or more than you’d expect for your age, it may be a sign that you should see a doctor for advice.
QUALITY OF LIFE?
If you feel you’re more stressed than you should be, take that feeling seriously. Consider the five questions shown below:
ASK YOURSELF…
Am I finding it hard to relax in my free time?
Are my stress levels affecting my general mood?
Is my concentration suffering?
Am I developing some unhealthy habits?
Do I feel like my emotions are hard to manage?
…IF THE ANSWER IS “YES” to some or all of the above, stress is definitely affecting your wellbeing. It is imperative you make best use of stress-management techniques for better physical and mental health.
This concludes entries on this page for ‘Stress in Perspective’. Amendments may be made in the future.
Strategies for dealing with long-term stress will be added to this page at some future point.
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